dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
From behind she looks like Richard Simmons
she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
I can feel your judgement through the phone
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
He made me promise not to describe his penis in detail to you....oops.
Randomize
