You don't get off work for this? I feel genuinely bad for you.
I'll have a beer when I get into the office. Yes, I hide beer in my work frige.
Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
I told you, I don't give a SHIT about their music. I JUST. WANT. TO FUCK. THE BASSIST.
No really tho I'm wearing a chucky cheese shirt and yoga pants. If that doesn't scream no sex idk what does
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
Last night I woke up and the national rep of his frat was sucking my toe.
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
Randomize
