Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
I judge a person on how well they respect their vaginas... I can tell by the lack of respect she has for hers I dislike her.
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
So how exactly do I backtrack from motorboating and ass grabbing?
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
I'm not trying to take your husband away from you, but can we have another 3way soon? I'm just desperate for good dick.
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
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