I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
I wouldn't necessarily call it an addiction, more of a passion. I'm habitually passionate.
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
You know, it doesn't really count as a walk of shame if you guys showered together the next morning
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
He is like the "hometown sweetheart", but a huge freak. Like "I'll come change your flat tire"....but then fuck you like an animal in the back seat.
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
CAN I WEAR ASSLESS CHAPS TO SUNDAY BRUNCH OF JUDGEMENT????
Kinda suprised you didn't immediately ask about the lesbian ghosts tho
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
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