i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
I'm at the point in my career when i know a sites a trap and isn't real porn
Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
Randomize
