Damn I can't remmbre the last tome I had sobr sex
Um. I believe with my boyfriend, slut
Fuck. Wron person. But yea
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
It's called hot rabbit the party if he asks the password is "careful" don't ask
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
Randomize
