Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
I think I am morally bankrupt
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
critical mistake not lubing the nipples
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
Double check your contract and see if it says anything about sleeping with your manager
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
