I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
And my dad told him he was a great looking guy. and then added "no homo" after.
Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
I hate to tell you this, but your sister reeks of whore.
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
It is clearly not my fault that you decided studying was more important than trying to bang our hot teacher for an A, so I seized the opportunity.
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
He didn't have much of a personality. But I had like 100 orgasms, so that's cool.
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
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