My room smells like vodka and shame
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
she wouldn't stop crying, so we sang her to sleep. i'm guessing you will find her in the same position by the toilet in the morning. night.
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
I think my whole family judged my ability to change under a blanket.
In a moving vehicle and other people in the car
And after getting thrown out of the frat house, getting carried up the hill for a half an hour, puking 5 times, and almost getting stopped by campus security, she still insisted he sleep with her. Gotta give her credit, even blacked she kept her eyes on the prize
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
YAS. BRING CRAB.
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
Randomize
