So I was watching the View and they were saying oral sex is the new goodnight kiss
So when are we having a sleepover?
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
Alright, I can go by eventually,, I don't wanna lose a second pair of shoes this semster from blacking out...
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
I couldn't be more proud to be a cougar. Just wondering how these twenty somethings learned how to fuck so well? Must be porn.
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