somebody snuck up and got me drunk
I think I died a long time ago.
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
Filthy. I need to be power hosed with holy water.
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
Randomize
