he just started chanting dark meat! dark meat! out of no where.
She spent a lot of time to get her cleavage to look that good. It would be rude not to stare. It shows you are paying attention. Chicks dig that.
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
Question. Was fucking Laura an entirely regrettable decision?
like...quickly.
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
Randomize
