All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
they just started talking about wanting to bang stephanie tanner from full house
How can i ever say i miss u when u wont go away
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
please stop yelling "ITS NARNIAAAAAAAAA" out of our window at the lone person walking home in the snow
full cup flip cup was not exactly the reason I wanted to tell the cops when I was sleeping on the curb
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
Randomize
