1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
Pregnancy scare over. Let the cockfest begin.
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
Well I just finished dry heaving so I think breakfast is a little further out for me
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
You kept crying and I couldnt help but laugh at you, I was really high though.
He was someone so memorable that I'd completely forgotten he'd existed up to and during the encounter
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