if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
Mixed review. I fucked her in the river, but then we were assaulted by ducks.
We were tripping too hard to figure out to tell him where we were so we sent a picture of me laying outside the tent saying "find us"
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
Girl, he's like catnip for my pussy.
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
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