I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
Adderal just makes me love life. I want to do so much. I just can't stop thinking about all the wonderful opportunities we have and how lucky we are and I want to make a difference in the world. I just have to reign in my brain and convince it that changing the world starts with a college degree, which depends on studying for these finals.
That big chick who gave you the handly polished off one of the walls to the ginger bread house right before she came outside. FYI
You made a course evaluation for your vagina? Wow. You really are a professor now.
He invites me over too FucK and i wind up eating 6 jimboys tacos with his roommates. While he waited in his room. Maybe next time
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
Randomize
