Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
That guy youre talking to looks like Brian from Family Guy.
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
a guy tried paying for lapdances with cds, who uses those anymore?
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
she's sitting there like the lesbian godfather. A cigarette in one hand and a titty in the other.
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
Randomize
