Totally about to meet up with Ryan in an empty parking lot. Expect to fuck him. Yes I know it's 3am. Slutty? Possibly. Excited? Damn right.
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
he had a TATTOO on his FACE. a tattoo on your face basically says "i've gone as far in society as i'd like to."
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Randomize
