ahhh, you guys look like a cute little family in the cop car!
We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
Busta Rhymes just yelled at me! He cut a song off and I was clapping and he looked right at me and said "don't fucking clap." I was that white guy.
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
How many 'remember name' entries is it inappropriate to have in one's cell phone?
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
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