how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
we traced the origins of this shit fest of a relationship back to a single instance of road head. then we did a reinacment
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
Ughhhh. Finnnneeeeee. I'll have sex with your brother. Sheesh. The things I do for you woman.
is leaving the club to fk in his friends van subtle?
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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