I want to dip my vagina in sugar. Not only will it be sweet, but it will have a nice sparkle.
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
I walked in to you guys using a milk jug as a gravity bong
Surrounded by smaller versions of the same
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
I have to touch the horse lube. :-(
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