where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
Chipotle...archenemy of the gay man. Cockblocking me since 1997
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
So I wore a corset to school. Fuck laundry.
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
Randomize
