She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
spell your last name, im trying to find you on facebook
i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
he couldn't find his key, so we just had sex on his parent's porch while we waited for his mom to get home.
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
during a bj, his alarm went off and he said "At the buzzer"
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Randomize
