we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
i understand you have values and thats awesome, all i want to help you do is forget about them breifly
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
Ok John needs to move to the other side of the county. I do not like to be approached for a blow job in the produce section of Holiday Market.
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
Everything is just really out of control. I hear puking from three different parts of the house. Roger has black eye from being punched. Kaiser tried shaving his head, but somehow burned himself. Music is bumping, but everyone is either puking and calling out for help or blacked the fuck out.
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
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