i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
she kept checking the clock when she was giving me head and at midnight she said she had to stop because she cant eat meat on fridays is that bitch serious
the boy next to me on the plane handed me a shot glass, then a perkaset, and told me to have a good week off..hellllo spring break.
Church boner. Awkwardddd
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
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