I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
We learned about herpes today in bio. I might as well have given the lecture
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
Only the gays. Guy gives me a handjob in the steam, then changes next to me under his towel
Only the gays
she broke my one feeling. seriously I think she broke my dick.
Best oral ever, hands down so to speak. but I'm starting to want to meet that lesbian truck driver he says he's better than. Just for comparison purposes of course.
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
I could see myself being this awkward weirdo drunk girl that patted strangers and danced terribly but was powerless to stop it
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
Randomize
