I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
Randomize
