Only a mothe r could love this liver
You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
I am midnight drunk by noon
just prayed to lady gaga in hopes it will help me pass my fashion merchandising final...what is my life?
my life has come down to walking through campus and wondering if every guy is the random i made out with saturday
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
my grandma just gave me a shoebox fulled to the top with tootsie rolls and condoms with a not that said "enjoy college, find a big cock" i'm not sure how I feel about this
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.
Randomize
