This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
he pulled a $400 bottle of champagne out of the back part of his toiled and I was ready to blow him then and there
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
We were having sex but then he spanked me and i punched him but it was just a reflex i swear
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
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