A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
You know I'm really starting to enjoy being everyones first gay experience
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
I have random bruises including my spine and visible bite marks on my neck. Thanksgiving car sex accomplished.
Just let me suck your dick and be happy. Let me have this.
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
She is still out of it but keeps saying ur name she said to tell u dinosaurs aren't real but biscuit with a z made bad choices
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
Randomize
