Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
I don't think it counts as a booty call at 6:30 pm.
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
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