Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
You stood in front of a yellow Camaro and kept yelling at it to "Transform already!!!!".. yeah, I'd say you were pretty wasted.
Just saw a teacher from our school with his wife... Now i really know how little teachers get paid.
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
I don't deserve a penis
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
Randomize
