i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
I think once you know a guy's chest measurements the stalking has gone too far..
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
Skipping class. Wanna Drink now?
yea. just give me 15 min to write a paper.
He said he broke his back in 3 spots & my first thought was "there goes my booty call".
Did u have a 2nd thought
I need a new booty call.
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