Its 11am everyones wasted wearing sombreros and eating fresh produce..cesar chavez would be very proud
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
I just sent a friend request to someone saying that i was the girl he shared a fifth of jager with last week. Thats something special. He better accept.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
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