Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
it was 6 in the morning, and you cried until i put mulan in. then you proceeded to say every word, not to mention sing along... stop drinking.
It's official. Every single female in their late teens and early 20s get their fb statuses from a pool of cliched "quotes" which all say, without saying, "boys treat me like shit, I know they do, but one day I'll find 'the guy' who will treat me right no matter how psychotic I am." Vom.
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
Randomize
