You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
Even the bartender felt bad for me
.....then i was kicked out of my work christmas party......
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
He is now tagging himself in my pics from last year where he is barely visable in the corner. i feel like he's marking his territory.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
Randomize
