picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
That's all? I'm a pro at gay chicken. I'll touch his dick, I have no problem with that.
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Randomize
