I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
You shouldn't do laundry high cus pink.
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
He gave me a brownie at the beginning of class and now I can't feel my face.
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