Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
I traded him cumming in my face for a year for a Disney annual pass. One giant leap back for feminism, one small step for the adult child Disney fan.
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
New Orleans is just like you. Dirty but beautiful and will always have a special place in my heart
Woke up in a car, do you own a silver car parked a few miles form the house...hope so
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