I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
I think my fart just growled at me.
I miss Bob Barker.
Yeah, more like Douche Carey...
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
So not the biggest tits he had his cock between. He could have lied.
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
He let me eat chexmix while we fucked... I think I love him.
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