It's more exciting when they aren't single....and even better when you have to pretend that you just slept with their roommate while trying to do the walk a shame as their girlfriend comes marching into the apt.
Im not the least bit jealous of the life you lead.
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
bring money and cleavage
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
You just made it sound like a children's toy! It's a functioning body organ, my vagina is not a gameboy!!!
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
HOLY SHIT. I JUST FOUND OUT THAT THE KARL/RORY BASEBALL FIGHT THAT RORY LOST WAS 2 YEARS AGO TODAY. RIP KARL'S DICK.
be right there i have to get my cape
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
