i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
its great to know that you distinguish your relationships on whether you can cum on someone's face
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
Yea no bueno and I only brought enough weed to last one night. And it was no Hanukah nug, it didn't last 8 days.
Come over so we can have two person sex in this one person tent
I was walking back to the dorm and was made fun of for wearing a coat. I'M SORRY I CARE ABOUT MY WELL BEING.
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
ok morning sex is a totally valid reason to come in late... ur good, cya in 20
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
Randomize
