Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
is it customary for a bride to wear white even if she's a whore? i feel tie-dye would have been more accurate
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
I just had sex with the male version of myself. looks, mindset, even our boob to dick ratio was the same
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
Just got up.... With the club stamp on my ass.... How did it got there????
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
Randomize
