You and your empty threats of no sex. Like.u.cud.hold.out.
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
I'm studying. And by studying I mean I am laying on my floor drinking boones farm alone. Last two weeks. Fuck it.
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
Randomize
