You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
we left the music on while we were fucking. some kanye west song started playing and he started to cry
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
Randomize
