so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
You thought that the "chillable" logo on the box wine was referring to a city in italy.
You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
Sooo Zach and Judd are on my porch drunk eating leaves and flowers...
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
We fucked on the roof... like that has to mean something
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
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