my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
What is the pluralization of human? I just got humen rejected, and I am going completely blank...
just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
sitting alone on a bench with a sombrero and a bottle of vodka. really angry i got here before you guys.
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
For thanksgving we are only drinking wild turkey for the next 24hrs time to strap your balls back on and maybe a helmet
Ps we bought 8 pellet guns just now
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
Randomize
