i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
He just seriously used the word "skeet." Can we please find another way to get weed?
No. Take one for the team.
They made my facebook status "I got my period!!!." Every guy I've had sex with at college liked it.
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
its like i had a thought but i dont know what the words are for it
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
If it makes u feel any better my dick feels pretty tender dude
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
He has an 8 pack! HE HAS AN 8 PACK!!!!
Randomize
