Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
i was holding a cup in her face for her to throw up in while screaming THIS IS THE DEFINITION OF FRIENDSHIP
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
i woke up soaking wet with shard of glass imbedded in my flesh dangerously close to my dick what happend?!!
BEER BOTTLE SWORD FIGHTHING!!
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
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