his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
I need to stop coming to work sober
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
you should be back in the room by now but just so you know. you passed out at the black jack table and they wheel chaired you out. strip club in about 45 minutes. game face bro.
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
yeah true but how easily can you rip a scrotum
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Randomize
