I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
Also, our mothers are placing bets on which of us will get pregnant first.
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
What a dumb baby whore.
see these eyes, they just want to bone and go to sleep.
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
I've had way too many dicks in my mouth the past two weeks. Ready to go back to school and be a doctor now
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
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