I would do horrible things to your vagina.
Prove it.
So are we goin out tonight?
Dude, we woke up in your car in some parking lot last night...
And that was fun, wasn't it?
There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
Randomize
