I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
well he has a gf so if he picks me up tonight i'll only him finger me
we are currently watching a singalong porn...just thought you should know
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So... on the count of three, we are going to forget last night ever happened... 1...2...3
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My tits, and hanging out behind a hotel eating pizza.
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost
Whatever. I'll take my new fine ass dick sucking nails elsewhere.
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
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