omg... punch me in the throat... I am about to lose my mind with my parents.. I'm not saying I agree with the menendez brothers.. but I understand
will power is for people who don't want to get laid
There is no point in being painfully greyhound thin if you are then going to dress like it's raining in 1992.
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
Her face is stuck to the frozen jager bottle. I think shes ok with it
Not enough clothes on. Not enough vagina. Not enough drugs in my body.
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
I'm making mistakes. Coming up with girl now
I hate me. That girl was hiiiiideous.
I came home braless and wearing a tail....
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
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