i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
I ate a lot of your sunchips. I mean a lot. Like 4 to 5 bags.
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
Lesson learned. Kayak oars are not golf clubs....check
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
Woah don't start going all boyfriend on me now, you're here for one thing and one thing only and that's sex, hot shameless sex.
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
Randomize
