Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
Theres this tee in the mall and it says all girls just wanna have safe sex. U make me think thats a lie
Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
To give you an idea, there's a group upstairs trying to break down a door with their fists and heads.
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
I did put on a shirt to start the night, right?
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
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