i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
Is moral bankruptcy something you need to file for?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
i miss freshman lecture halls much harder to take shots in a class of 20
I can't blame him for thinking that then, placing a cone shaped potato chip on the tip of his penis post bj is not a normal act of love
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
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