I am so gay it hurts my loins. Going to see She's Just Not That Into You... again. Ohhh my goodness.
please come you make the beer taste better
he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
It didn't go so well. He got drunk and asked my dad if 'front or back' virginity mattered more.
Can you confirm that Victor fucked a girl for Jack in the Box tacos?
I cannot, but I know he fucked a girl for a Nerf hoop and a "Kingpin" dvd.
I can already almost taste penis in my mouth
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
How was that girls surprise party last night?
Got absolutely destroyed tried to put somebody's leather jacket on and make out with their mother. You know.. the norm
Randomize
